you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
