Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm just crazy horny about you
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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