I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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