Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
