I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
