Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
