Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Alive.
So much puke
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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