The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize
