I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
