I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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