I looked at my own cervix.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
