it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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