i wish my penis had a tongue
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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