Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Randomize
