Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize