I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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