I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
