I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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