Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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