so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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