dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
