Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
