I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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