I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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