youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
