I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Randomize
