I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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