Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
