Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
