Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Randomize
