is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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