All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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