ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
