Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
