Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
