What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
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