woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
