we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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