Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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