If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
