The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
