im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Randomize
