The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
