I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
