Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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