thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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