I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
we're so committed to being not committed
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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