Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
