I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
my shit smells like andre
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
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