I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
