do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Im part way to drunk.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
