what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize