so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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