You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
