There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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