You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
