I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
