im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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